Attachment styles in relationships
Humans have a deep-seated need to establish and preserve meaningful, long-lasting relationships with others. To fulfill this drive, we need regular, enjoyable emotional contact and these interactions must take place inside a long-lasting framework.
The desire to establish and preserve relationships was an idea put forth by Psychologist John Bowlby’s attachment theory. This states that attachment demands are developed from a person’s relationship with their mother or caretaker during childhood and they continue to affect us into adulthood.
According to John Bowlby’s attachment theory, there are three main ways that people behave in relationships.
Anxious: People who are anxious frequently worry about their relationships and their partner’s capacity to love them back.
Avoidant: Avoidant persons continuously work to limit closeness because they believe that it would lead to a loss of independence.
Secure: Secure individuals are typically kind and loving and feel at ease in close quarters with their partners.
What is an anxious attachment style?
One of the three insecure attachment types is anxious attachment. Early childhood is when anxious attachment, also known as ambivalent attachment in children, develops. Most frequently, poor and inconsistent parenting is the cause for the development of the anxious attachment style.
Common symptoms of this attachment style include low self-esteem, intense fear of rejection or abandonment, and clinginess in relationships. Although it does take work, people with these attachment problems can eventually develop a secure attachment style.
What causes an anxious attachment style in childhood?
If you have an anxious attachment style, it may be that your parents or caregivers occasionally offered encouragement and paid attention to your needs, but they might not have been tuned in to your needs at other times.
For a child, this makes it challenging to interpret the meaning of their parents’ or caregivers’ actions and what kind of response to anticipate in the future due to these inconsistencies. Due to the contradictory actions, a child may become confused about his or her relationship with them.
Your parent’s attachment style affected the development of your own attachment style
A parent’s or caregiver’s own emotional needs for attachment and closeness have also been connected to the development of an anxious ambivalent attachment style in children.
In that scenario, the parents or caretakers would want to be physically or emotionally close to the kids in order to meet their own wants rather than meeting the kids’ needs.
To a child, this may feel overbearing or invasive. The parents or caregiver might exploit the child to fulfill their own “hunger” for affection or to project a particular image of themselves (for example, as the perfect parent or caretaker).
Parents and or caretakers who have an anxious attachment style themselves are more likely to have a child who has an anxious attachment type. And this has nothing to do with genetics; it has to do with the persistence of behavioral patterns over generations.
How does your anxious attachment style affect your relationships in adulthood?
How can you tell if you have an anxious attachment style? Though they may be well thought of by others, adults with an anxious or preoccupied attachment style frequently have low self-esteem.
Although they are perceptive and attentive to their partner’s needs, an adult with an anxious attachment may frequently struggle with feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.
When a loved one rejects them or ignores their needs, they may place the blame on themselves or decide that they are unlovable.
Adults with anxious attachment typically require ongoing affirmation that they are loved, deserving, and enough. Your partner may bring up that you frequently exhibit intense jealousy or mistrust towards them.
They could also become frantic, clinging, and concerned with their relationships as a result of this worry. Adults with an anxious attachment type frequently fear being alone or are unable to do so.
What is an avoidant attachment style?
The avoidant attachment style is one of three insecure adult attachment types that have been described in psychological literature. It is known as the anxious-avoidant attachment style in childhood.
Children may be raised with an avoidant attachment style by stern, emotionally distant parents who forbid the display of emotions and demand that their kids be strong and independent.
What causes an avoidant attachment style in childhood?
A child’s capacity to develop an avoidant attachment style is strongly influenced by the emotional openness of their carers. The parents and or caretakers are present with the child and are not necessarily seen as being neglectful. However, they frequently miss the emotional needs of the child since they tend to avoid showing emotion and connection. When the child reaches out for assistance, assurance, or affection, such caregivers are guarded and appear to back off.
As the scenario becomes more emotionally charged, the parents or caretakers are likely to grow more aloof. They could feel too much pressure and want to leave. When they are not emotionally available, it will be most obvious to the child.
Therefore, when a child asks for closeness, they feel as though the door is being shut in their faces rather than actually getting anything in return. Parents with avoidant kids might not only refrain from expressing their own emotions but may also object to and not accept any noticeable emotional outbursts from their kids, whether such outbursts are from grief, fear, enthusiasm, or joy.
In response to such emotional outbursts, parents or caregivers may feel enraged and attempt to control the child’s behavior by disciplining the child to “toughen up.” The young child is expected to act independently, seriously, and reservedly by the parent.
The avoidant attachment style is likely a result of such an upbringing. Most frequently, the parents or caregivers themselves exhibit this attachment type. Since the parent was brought up in that manner, they may unintentionally transmit it to the following generation.
How does the avoidant attachment style appear in adult relationships?
Adults who have an avoidant attachment style appear to be content with who they are and where they are in life.
They could be highly sociable, laid-back, and entertaining. In general, they do not feel isolated or lonely and are typically self-sufficient.
Social relationships and exchanges with avoidant adults remain on the surface level. A connection must develop in-depth for it to be fulfilling and meaningful. When dealing with an avoidant person, when you attempt to deepen the relationship, you may feel you are “hitting a wall.”
As an adult with avoidant attachment, you may have received feedback from loved ones such as:
“You let me be near you but you don’t let me inside.”
“You don’t perform overt acts of affection and connection.”
“You isolate yourself when things get severe instead of reaching out for help.”
Adults with an avoidant attachment may look for a justification to end a relationship. They may find their partner’s behavior, habit, or even physical look to be quite irritating. As a result, they start to lose focus and distance themselves from their partner. Adults with this attachment pattern may think they can exist without emotional closeness.
Your development as a child is the main cause of these relationship patterns. In the past, if you did not receive the emotional support you needed, you may avoid looking for it or expecting it from other people.
What is a secure attachment style?
People that have grown up with secure attachment are self-satisfied, sociable, friendly, and approachable. They are capable of understanding and expressing their emotions. They also have a tendency to create relationships that are lasting, profound, and deep.
Even in the workplace as adults, people with a secure attachment style are often liked by their colleagues.
What causes a secure attachment style in childhood?
A child automatically assumes that their caregivers will meet their needs as infants. Babies use bodily clues (like crying) to let their caregivers know when something is wrong and trusts them to fix it.
Simply said, parents or caregivers who successfully nurture children in a safe attachment style do not betray that trust. However, it is not always as easy as it seems.
When raising a child with a secure attachment style, there are important guidelines that parents and caregivers must stick to.
A sensitive parent will be protective without being oppressive, bothersome, or uncaring. They will give their child room to roam and the freedom to discover the world while remaining nearby enough for the child to feel protected.
Parents with secure attachment are tuned in and can recognize their baby’s cues and requirements with certainty. Infants learn about the effects of their behavior by sensitive responses that they receive from their parents or caregivers.
The care of a parent with secure attachment gives the infant a sense of control over their existence. During childhood, the child will eventually gain the capacity to control his or her own feelings of discomfort, self-soothe, and feel a sense of worth and affection.
How does secure attachment style affect adult relationships?
When it comes to making friends, forming bonds, and developing close connections, those with secure attachment styles frequently find it easier. They are able to both experience and express their emotions and emotional needs since they are aware of them. They don’t go to extremes and are honest and truthful.
Adults who are securely attached have a favorable opinion of themselves. They don’t require affirmation to believe they are loved or respected. However, this does not imply that they disapprove of intimacy or emotional closeness. Simply said, they enjoy being both alone and in a relationship.
Adults with secure attachment also have a positive view of other people. They tend to have trusting relationships and don’t feel the need to be envious of or question the motives of their loved ones.
Adults who feel secure tend to look back on their youth with fondness. Even if their childhood wasn’t perfect, they can look back on it and make sense of what happened. They acknowledge the good, comprehend the negative, and move past it.
What can you do if your attachment style is negatively affecting your life?
Recognizing elements of various attachment styles in your past relationships is completely normal. With significant life events or even with different partners, attachment types can shift.
The good news is that counseling can help you learn more about building safe and secure attachment behaviors as an adult, regardless of the attachment type you may have grown up with.